Translations of the female mind

13 Feb

Sometimes it feels like guys and gals are speaking completely different languages. The guys say tomato, the gals say potato, and generally nothing is communicated because one sex is talking about fruits and the other about vegetables. How will we ever overcome these gastronomic obstacles? By translation, dur. And while not as exhaustive as Google Translate (which is actually surprising accurate BTW), here is a list of common phrases used by female kind that might not mean what you think they mean.

  1. He’s interesting – this is the polite way of saying he sucks/ is weird/ not interesting at all. Yes, these are all completely different meanings, but if you listen very closely (UGHHH, doesn’t it always seem like we tell you to listen?) you can tell which one it means based on where the speech-ellipses are. Generally, pause means odd, no pause means sucky.
  2. So what did you think of class – Read: Talk to me! I very much want to have a conversation with you but can think of nothing better to speak about than that INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING Stat lecture. For the love of G-d give me something!
  3. He’s adorable – He has won the election for mayor of the Friendzone in a landslide. He is not a sexual being in the slightest, and is grouped in the girl’s head with “adorable” baby bunny rabbits and ponies. Note the difference between adorable and cute – cute is very salvageable, and is actually in most cases a very good thing. Adorable – not so much.
  4. What are you doing this weekend – it had better be me.
  5. Hmm, next week looks pretty packed – I can’t find an excuse to not hang out with you. I’m always going to be busy. Always.
  6. I miss you – we need to hang out more, call/text/be in my life more
  7. Have you been to Chocopologie yet? – TAKE ME THERE
  8. Let’s grab a meal sometime – Saved for last because of its many disparate connotations.
    1. I genuinely want to get to know you better and possibly start a relationship with you.
    2. I want to keep our relationship casual, so I am keeping things very open-ended by using the words like grab (very blasé) and meal (very vague).
    3. I want this conversation to end so I am suggesting a meal that I know will never happen

Complicated, isn’t it? Almost unfathomable? Well, that’s women for you. And remember, now that you have this incredibly useful and utterly correct knowledge, you will know that when a girl asks you to pass the potato chips, she’s really asking for tomato chips. Proceed as one would in this situation.

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