Friend zoned or Relationship Potential?

6 Feb

Every woman is different. Surprise! So there is no sure fire way of knowing what those signals you think you’re getting actually mean. Does she want to hook up? Be your friend? Your girlfriend? Something in the murky in-between? Believe us when we tell you, we know it’s frustrating. We feel the same way about guys. In an ideal world, everyone would just come right out and say what they want, but alas, the rest of the world is not the Man’s Guide and don’t quite seem capable of that. So you must do your best to puzzle out just what it means when she texts you at 2am on a Saturday for no apparent reason or asks you to have lunch, hopefully with a little help from us.
There remains a large portion of the female population who (wrongly, in our opinion) believe that it is up to the man to make the first move. So she manoeuvres and manipulates the situation to give you every opportunity to make that move without ever indicating that she wants you to. Women, huh? Who’d want one? Well you, apparently, so listen up. Just do it if you want to, make a move that is. If you think you’re getting signals, but you’re not sure, it is okay to ask. If you don’t want to ask her directly, do some scouting with a close friend of hers.
You are allowed to some situation manipulation of your own. Invite her over to your suite to hang out and watch a movie or something and reach for her hand or put your arm around her. Her reaction is going to tell you pretty much all you need to know. If she pulls her hand away, she’s not interested (or just really hates hands, it’s a thing, we swear). The arm on the shoulders is a little harder to judge but a good rule of thumb is: if she pushes your arm off, she’s not interested; if she snuggles closer, you’re in with a shout. There is an annoying in between possibility where she doesn’t remove your arm but also doesn’t react to it, might be she’s trying to figure out what you mean by it.
Next step goes one of two ways, basically. She’s snuggled in and you move in for a kiss. Or, you tell her you like her and have a massively awkward conversation about how you both feel. We suggest the former, it’s much more romantic that way and then you can talk about what it meant, when there’s something to talk about.


2 Responses to “Friend zoned or Relationship Potential?”

  1. VGL February 11, 2012 at 11:31 AM #

    Dear Yale Women,

    I would like to offer a qualified disagreement with your advice that the very cunning “arm in shoulder” technique is preferable to an earnest conversation when it comes to determining the potential of a friendship to evolve into a romantic partnernship. I admit that it holds true to cases when girl and guy are still in the early stages of “getting acquainted” – meaning, they’ve gotten a few meals, and hung out together at a couple of parties; in short, if they have spent time enough that they barely need to go through the formal process of “scheduling a meal” in order to meet more than a couple of times over the course of the week. But if we’re talking about a substantial friendship between our genders, I would vehemently argue that any such cunning techniques to “sound each other off” will do more damange to any future friendship or romantic relationship than can possibly be imagine. What it does is increase the very degree of uncertainty that your article above supposedly seeks to help guys overcome.

    In my ample personal experience moving across the inconceivably great gap between friendship and relationship, as well as in the capacity of advisor to friends who went through similar ordeals (successfully and less so), I have come to believe that nothing works better to dissolve the uncertainties and anguish of flirting than a very honest, earnest, and usually rather long conversation.

    From a guy’s point of view (though my opinion has little explanatory power over the actions of the mindless, utterly unchivalric men whom I must share a gender with – and still I hold they are not a majority), I would like to know any girl I am close friends with would feel comfortable enough to tell me about any changes in her feelings (after she detected and carefully considered whether they are permanent and/or mean anything other than momentary infatuation). Likewise, I cannot conceive of a way to let my feelings known to someone I trust and hold in very high regard other than full disclosure. Many would be afraid to be weakening their position vi-a-vis the other, but remember we are not in a political negotiation. The very proof that you are ready to go into a healthy relationship is your ability to fully-disclose and fully expose who you are and what you feel. Any other attempt at building a constructive relationship is doomed to fail sooner or later. While this disclosure often happens very gradually if the partners have gone straight from not knowing each other to a romantic relationship, the progression should be much easier between close friends – the foundations are set. I don’t understand why you might want to ruin those foundations by engaging in “flirt games”. This is not a Prisoners’ Dilemma where you have the incentive to “cheat” – while cooperation will result in a lovely relationship, lack thereof will result in huge loss for BOTH.

    An honest relationship, if it turns out someone’s feelings are unreciprocated, will at least give each person the opportunity to jointly overcome the “awkwardness” that always follows a rejection. Yes, having such a conversation requires lots of communication. But for you to have a shot at being with the person you like, I would think taking the harder road to be a fair choice. “Flirt games” are in my humble opinion a cowardly way to deal with the situation. You may finally argue that my advice would only work assuming that both guy and girl have equally advanced communication skills. I would say to that communication skills is something you only acquire by practice. Talking to yourself in front of the mirror won’t do.

    That said, I take my leave.

    Best and congrats on the blog.

  2. By Yale Women for Yale Men February 11, 2012 at 7:09 PM #

    We agree with you 100% that communication is key. But what happens if you have that long, anguished, heart felt talk in which you acknowledge your feelings for each other and then you make out and there’s nothing there? We are not suggesting that it isn’t important to talk to each other and find out where each of you stand but that there’s no reason why that conversation can’t be prompted by a kiss.

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