The Best Places to have Sex on Campus

28 Jan

Got a roommate who just never seems to be out? Want to keep your relationship a secret? Just feel like a change of scenery? There are a bunch of places on campus which provide the ideal (or close enough, anyway) environment for some illicit sexy time.

  1. So everyone knows about sex in the stacks. It’s right up there on the list of things to do before you graduate so we’re not going to spend too much time on it. Just a few words of advice: Go about 45 minutes before the library is due to close. Wednesday’s are usually fairly quiet. For goodness sake, make sure there isn’t some poor, hard-working soul on the other side of that shelf (unless you’re into that). The view of York Street from the seventh floor is amazing. So amazing, in fact, that you can clearly see the people at the window tables in Yorkside. This means, no lights. If you can see them…
  2. Old Campus is awash with places to sneak off to for a quickie. If you’re early enough, you can ninja into LC and commandeer a classroom (pick one with no window in the door), just remember to push a table up against the door first. But if you’re going to go for the classroom, we here at Men’s Guide prefer Phelps. It’s less busy, there are no windows in most of the classroom doors, plus, there’s an elevator. Next up is Bingham basement. A risky choice given the constant stream of people coming down to do laundry but if you’re lucky enough to find the seminar room unoccupied, there’s nothing to stop you (Although courtesy would expect that you not go at it while the Muslim prayer room next door is in use). Lastly, and this has been up to now a closely guarded secret so consider yourselves lucky, CT Hall. Always open so no frustration when you can’t get in and people tend to be exclusively in the computer cluster so the likelihood of being disturbed is minimal. Head up the faculty bathroom on the first floor landing (there are mirror images on each side). These are single bathrooms, so there’s a lock on the external door. Plus, they’re huge, really clean, and have an enormous countertop and a bench seat type thing.
  3. Dunham Lab is almost entirely deserted at night and there are so many rooms in far away corners. Definitely worth a visit.
  4. If you’re more adventurous still, there’s always Bass Library. We’re not talking about hooking up in the weenie bins, although if you’re into being seen, they are the ideal location. No, we’re talking classroom. It’s risky, so not for the fainthearted, but if you time it right, you should be able to get away unseen. The biggest variable is obviously the security guards and their regular patrols, so avoid the rooms with the little barcodes they scan on their way around. We recommend going after the circulation desk had closed but before the library shuts to minimize the chances of being interrupted. Also, high chance of carpet burns.
  5. As a certain master admonished in an email lately, your college basement contains a myriad of places to get it on, especially if you have a key to the music practice room. But if you’re in your own college, be discreet, the chances of encountering someone you know are way higher and the last thing you want is to end up sitting opposite someone at brunch who just last night glimpsed your naked butt.

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